Today was the first day during this semester at school where I have had a really hard time. We were talking about fetal demise during lecture. I was already upset, just reliving the whole experience in my mind, and some of my classmates starting making remarks that really showed a lack of sensitivity and unprofessionalism. Some of my classmates know what happened to me, but a lot of them do not. My professor, however, does know, and did nothing to reign in the discussion or direct the discussion in a better way. Several of my friends came up to me after class and were asking me if I was ok. That sucked. To add insult, we had a test today that was so hard. I couldn't believe how bad this test sucked! Why do the teachers have to make tests so hard!!! And of course we haven't gotten our grades yet.
Anyways, a lot of people have said that the holidays are going to be hard. Working on L&D and mother baby is HARD. It is so hard seeing those babies. I would be about 33 weeks pregnant right now, and I should be getting excited about having him, but instead I have this obsessive desire to get pregnant again. Every time that it doesn't happen makes it even harder. I am excited for people who do have their new babies but I guess it is kind of bittersweet. That was supposed to be me! But I love the sweetness of a new baby. They are so innocent, so dependent on someone for every need, and I love seeing that every time I am at the hospital. Working on that unit has got to be the best job ever, and I can't wait.
Starting over with another pregnancy is frustrating. Having to experience all the junk that goes with pregnancy without a reward at the end this time around really is hard. No baby to hold, etc. I do want to try again. And I'm totally rambling. I just needed to get this out.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
The Wrong Side of 30
Monday was my birthday. Suffice it to say that I am on the wrong side of 30. I am old. It was a pretty good birthday, all things considered. I had school on Monday as well, so I chose to celebrate with my family on Sunday. I made my own birthday dinner of spaghetti with turkey meatballs and turkey sausage, rolls, and salad. We had pumpkin pie and rice krispy squares with candy corn on top for dessert. All of my favorites.
My mom decided to treat me, big time...
I love Coach, I love all purses actually, so this was really excellent for me!
On Monday I had a skills lab day at school and then Bryan, Savannah, and I headed up to Disneyland. Disneyland has this special deal this year where you can get in free to one park on your birthday. Well, I have been wanting an annual pass for awhile now, and if you go on your birthday and sign up for an annual pass, it ends up being super cheap for the pass! I was already planning on going to Disneyland this Friday with one of my friends, and it is $72 to get in for the day. Well, the pass is like $5 more (the cheapest one, which has a ton of black out days). I got that pass, and since I still don't work on Fridays, Savannah and I are going to go and have a ton of fun there. She is so super excited to go. She has been talking about going there since the summer. Bryan and I told her she could go to meet the princesses when she was potty trained. She definitely is totally potty trained, so she deserves it. Monday night I took Savannah into the park with me to get my picture taken for the pass, and we went in Sleeping Beauty's castle. She is obsessed with Sleeping Beauty. Anyways, they have a part where you can walk through the castle. She was absolutely terrified. She keeps talking about the spinning wheels, and how she didn't prick her finger at Disneyland. Every morning she tells me she wants to go to Disneyland. We are super excited for Friday, and if any of you have passes and want to meet up for a mom's day that would be totally fun!
After Disneyland, we went to Outback for dinner. We actually were going to go to ESPN zone in Downtown Disney but man, that place is so expensive. So we headed over to Outback, so yummy. After a yummy dinner and a Disneyland pass, and for putting up with my crap in general all year long, I have decided that I have the best husband ever!
It was such a great birthday!
My mom decided to treat me, big time...
I love Coach, I love all purses actually, so this was really excellent for me!
On Monday I had a skills lab day at school and then Bryan, Savannah, and I headed up to Disneyland. Disneyland has this special deal this year where you can get in free to one park on your birthday. Well, I have been wanting an annual pass for awhile now, and if you go on your birthday and sign up for an annual pass, it ends up being super cheap for the pass! I was already planning on going to Disneyland this Friday with one of my friends, and it is $72 to get in for the day. Well, the pass is like $5 more (the cheapest one, which has a ton of black out days). I got that pass, and since I still don't work on Fridays, Savannah and I are going to go and have a ton of fun there. She is so super excited to go. She has been talking about going there since the summer. Bryan and I told her she could go to meet the princesses when she was potty trained. She definitely is totally potty trained, so she deserves it. Monday night I took Savannah into the park with me to get my picture taken for the pass, and we went in Sleeping Beauty's castle. She is obsessed with Sleeping Beauty. Anyways, they have a part where you can walk through the castle. She was absolutely terrified. She keeps talking about the spinning wheels, and how she didn't prick her finger at Disneyland. Every morning she tells me she wants to go to Disneyland. We are super excited for Friday, and if any of you have passes and want to meet up for a mom's day that would be totally fun!
After Disneyland, we went to Outback for dinner. We actually were going to go to ESPN zone in Downtown Disney but man, that place is so expensive. So we headed over to Outback, so yummy. After a yummy dinner and a Disneyland pass, and for putting up with my crap in general all year long, I have decided that I have the best husband ever!
It was such a great birthday!
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
I'm OK
I think my hormones have taken a turn for the better. I am feeling a little better about this trial in my life every day. Don't get me wrong, it still isn't easy, but every day seems a little better. I am trying to look towards the future, and being so busy is definitely helping. B and I both want to try again, but if there is one thing that I have learned, it is that I am definitely not in control in this area. I have to keep trying to let it go. I am scared that if I do get pregnant again, that this will happen again. I don't know if I could handle that. Again, it's not in my hands so I have to let go. It still seems like there are people that don't know. Telling people is still really hard. I'm just not sure what to say sometimes. I don't want to bring it up, and some people know but they are just uncomfortable with saying anything, so if they don't say anything then neither do I.
School has been a welcome diversion. We only have 3 more weeks left of our peds rotation, and then we will move on to OB, which I have been waiting for since I started school. I can't wait to work labor and delivery, I am so super excited and that is what is keeping me going right now. Working with the kids is fun too, and I could definitely be a pediatric nurse if things don't work out with labor and delivery.
The kids are good. Jacob is in middle school, 7th grade. I remember when I was in 7th grade! That's wild. So far so good. Savannah is going to start preschool in 3 weeks. She is ready for some more stimulation, and it's $400 a month less than what we are paying our nanny. Don't get me wrong, our nanny has been wonderful with Savannah, but Savannah at almost 3 years old really needs more than our nanny can give her. I think it will be really good for Savannah to be around other kids as well. She is talking like crazy now, too. I love it! She is so fun. She has been extra cuddly too during this whole ordeal which has been really nice for me. She of course doesn't know really what happened, she can't understand, but I think she picks up on the sensitive feelings. Jacob won't talk about it at all. He tried to tell me that I shouldn't talk about it at all, and I told him that wasn't healthy. Since then, he hasn't said one word. I guess if and when he is ready or wanting to talk about it, that he will.
School has been a welcome diversion. We only have 3 more weeks left of our peds rotation, and then we will move on to OB, which I have been waiting for since I started school. I can't wait to work labor and delivery, I am so super excited and that is what is keeping me going right now. Working with the kids is fun too, and I could definitely be a pediatric nurse if things don't work out with labor and delivery.
The kids are good. Jacob is in middle school, 7th grade. I remember when I was in 7th grade! That's wild. So far so good. Savannah is going to start preschool in 3 weeks. She is ready for some more stimulation, and it's $400 a month less than what we are paying our nanny. Don't get me wrong, our nanny has been wonderful with Savannah, but Savannah at almost 3 years old really needs more than our nanny can give her. I think it will be really good for Savannah to be around other kids as well. She is talking like crazy now, too. I love it! She is so fun. She has been extra cuddly too during this whole ordeal which has been really nice for me. She of course doesn't know really what happened, she can't understand, but I think she picks up on the sensitive feelings. Jacob won't talk about it at all. He tried to tell me that I shouldn't talk about it at all, and I told him that wasn't healthy. Since then, he hasn't said one word. I guess if and when he is ready or wanting to talk about it, that he will.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
So.
First of all, thank you all so much for your kind comments, emails, facebook messages, etc. I really appreciate them.
Last Wednesday, I went for another ultrasound, and it was confirmed, that no, the baby did not have a hearbeat, and then we met with my doctor and went over "the plan". I checked into the hospital on Thursday at 12, and began the process of having my labor induced. 11 hours later, the contractions were too much for me, one after the other, and I asked for an epidural. 2 hours after that, the little one arrived. I won't get into the specifics of it here, it's too personal and sad. Suffice it to say that it is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I thought I had had some sorrow in my life before, hard days and times that I had gone through, but nothing is as agonizing and painful as this. I have good days, really bad days, and some good days with bad moments. Telling people is still the hardest thing for me, rehashing it over and over is really hard, because it still makes me feel like crying. I know "the plan" but it doesn't make it any easier sometimes. I wish my baby was here, or at least still in my belly where he belonged for now. However, I am grateful that he will never have to experience any of the pain and sorrow that this life can bring. For that, I would suffer a million times over.
I am trying to keep busy, and believe me, with school starting last week, that is really easy. Yes, I had school on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, gave birth on Friday morning, had Saturday to recuperate, went Sunday to pick a patient, wrote up a care plan until midnight that night, got up at 445 am on Monday, got ready, and went to the hospital to take care of patients. Crazy. Today was my last day of school this week, and with the long weekend ahead and no clinicals Monday, I am looking forward to relaxing.
Last Wednesday, I went for another ultrasound, and it was confirmed, that no, the baby did not have a hearbeat, and then we met with my doctor and went over "the plan". I checked into the hospital on Thursday at 12, and began the process of having my labor induced. 11 hours later, the contractions were too much for me, one after the other, and I asked for an epidural. 2 hours after that, the little one arrived. I won't get into the specifics of it here, it's too personal and sad. Suffice it to say that it is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I thought I had had some sorrow in my life before, hard days and times that I had gone through, but nothing is as agonizing and painful as this. I have good days, really bad days, and some good days with bad moments. Telling people is still the hardest thing for me, rehashing it over and over is really hard, because it still makes me feel like crying. I know "the plan" but it doesn't make it any easier sometimes. I wish my baby was here, or at least still in my belly where he belonged for now. However, I am grateful that he will never have to experience any of the pain and sorrow that this life can bring. For that, I would suffer a million times over.
I am trying to keep busy, and believe me, with school starting last week, that is really easy. Yes, I had school on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, gave birth on Friday morning, had Saturday to recuperate, went Sunday to pick a patient, wrote up a care plan until midnight that night, got up at 445 am on Monday, got ready, and went to the hospital to take care of patients. Crazy. Today was my last day of school this week, and with the long weekend ahead and no clinicals Monday, I am looking forward to relaxing.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
A New Level of Suck
Yep, that's where I'm at. I want to drop out of school and stay in my room all day, listening to my ipod and feeling sorry for myself. I need to snap out of it. I went to Michigan last week for Brian and Sarah's wedding, which was awesome and I was so glad to be there, but now that I am home, I am facing this week of pure hell and I just don't want to deal at all.
Thank you all for all of your kind words and comments, and emails. I am sorry if I have not been able to respond personally, it is so overwhelming for me, but please know that they are SO appreciated. Hopefully I will be able to begin to move past this experience in the near future. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, I know, but right now I just have to find it. I have been to many dark places in the last days, thinking thoughts that I probably shouldn't be, but I can't help it.
Thank you all for all of your kind words and comments, and emails. I am sorry if I have not been able to respond personally, it is so overwhelming for me, but please know that they are SO appreciated. Hopefully I will be able to begin to move past this experience in the near future. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, I know, but right now I just have to find it. I have been to many dark places in the last days, thinking thoughts that I probably shouldn't be, but I can't help it.
Monday, August 17, 2009
One of the Worst Days of My Life...
and I can't believe I am going to blog about this. But this is for the good and bad, right? Last Tuesday, August 11, I got a call from my OB's office that one of the genetic testing tests that they ordered on me had come back as screen positive. So after agonizing about that news for a day or two, we called the genetic counselor and made an appointment for last Friday. The risk of the baby having Down's syndrome was 1/110. So we decided that we would do an amniocentesis to find out for sure whether or not the baby had Down's or any other genetic issues. Not because we would choose to end the pregnancy, but just so that we could prepare for having a child with special needs.
The amniocentesis was scheduled for this afternoon. Before the amnio, the perinatologist wanted to do an ultrasound. Well, right away, I saw a concerned look on the tech's face. No heartbeat. Our baby died over the weekend. Bryan and I are absolutely devastated. I can't believe this is happening. I know it might seem tacky to blog about it, but I can't keep rehashing this story over and over and over to every person who calls so this seems like a good way to let everyone know. I will probably be missing for a little while so we can figure everything out. This definitely tops the list of shitty days of my life.
The amniocentesis was scheduled for this afternoon. Before the amnio, the perinatologist wanted to do an ultrasound. Well, right away, I saw a concerned look on the tech's face. No heartbeat. Our baby died over the weekend. Bryan and I are absolutely devastated. I can't believe this is happening. I know it might seem tacky to blog about it, but I can't keep rehashing this story over and over and over to every person who calls so this seems like a good way to let everyone know. I will probably be missing for a little while so we can figure everything out. This definitely tops the list of shitty days of my life.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
I Was WRONG!
This whole pregnancy, I have been convinced that this baby was another girl. When I was pregnant with both Jacob and Savannah, I knew without a doubt what we were going to have, and I was right both times. With this little one, I was uncertain because the pregnancy symptoms were not as bad as when I was pregnant with Savannah, but not as good as when I was pregnant with Jacob. So, I was pretty sure that it was a girl because I have tons of food aversions, bad smells make me start gagging, and I have only gained 4 pounds--just like with Savannah.
Lo and behold, we went for the ultrasound yesterday, the big unveiling, and the baby is obviously a BOY. The ultrasound tech said it was a boy, and then the perinatologist came in to check the baby's heart, and he said it was a boy too! Of course, we had a name all picked out for a baby girl, but now a wrench has been thrown in those plans. I am sad about it, but it will be fun to have a baby boy again. I was hoping that it would be a girl because we already have everything, and we have all the gear for a boy, but absolutely no clothes. Poor thing. I am just really happy that the baby is healthy, and everything looked great on the ultrasound. And I have no idea where we are going to put this baby! It's a good thing we moved to a bigger house last year, so we have some options. And we will have to figure out a name. Looking at boys' names in the baby name book last night just felt WRONG. I don't know why. I don't have any names that I like. I don't want a boring name or a weird name. I am still in shock I guess....
Lo and behold, we went for the ultrasound yesterday, the big unveiling, and the baby is obviously a BOY. The ultrasound tech said it was a boy, and then the perinatologist came in to check the baby's heart, and he said it was a boy too! Of course, we had a name all picked out for a baby girl, but now a wrench has been thrown in those plans. I am sad about it, but it will be fun to have a baby boy again. I was hoping that it would be a girl because we already have everything, and we have all the gear for a boy, but absolutely no clothes. Poor thing. I am just really happy that the baby is healthy, and everything looked great on the ultrasound. And I have no idea where we are going to put this baby! It's a good thing we moved to a bigger house last year, so we have some options. And we will have to figure out a name. Looking at boys' names in the baby name book last night just felt WRONG. I don't know why. I don't have any names that I like. I don't want a boring name or a weird name. I am still in shock I guess....
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